The most hidden way to raise a child is to be too kind to him.
I saw a mother asking for help on Zhihu:
"the child often has to be fed at the age of ten, and if he doesn't feed him, he won't eat. What should I do?"
after looking at the details, I found that a 10-year-old child not only needs to feed, but also has a very poor ability to take care of himself.
Children of the same age have long taken good care of themselves, but he can't even fold quilts, tie shoes or wash his own clothes.
the mother didn't realize the seriousness of the problem until the child was discouraged from boarding school.
in fact, teacher Li Meijin has already given the answer to the question of the child's poor independence:
if you do too much for the child, the child must be disabled.
parents care for their children, do their best and do everything for them. They love their children so much.
Love that is reluctant to let go, is it love or harm?
from these three stories, we may be able to find the answer.
not long ago, the Jingke Medical case in Heilongjiang described such a case.
Yu Fang, a college student in Harbin, was unable to take care of himself, coupled with great academic pressure, which eventually led to depression and attempted suicide in his dorm room.
it turns out that Yu Fang's parents instilled in him an idea from an early age: "your task is to study. You must be admitted to Tsinghua and Peking University in order to have a good future."
at home, he reached out for food and clothes, and his parents wouldn't let him do anything that had nothing to do with his study.
he said: "I don't need to do housework. My mother matches what I wear every day."
all along, he grew up according to the path planned by his parents.
after being admitted to college, Yu Fang is still like a child, unable to take care of his own affairs after leaving his parents.
"I'm like a loser. My classmates can be independent, but I can't. I can't even do the most basic laundry. I feel like I'm out of touch with society, and my roommates don't laugh at me."
he fell into deep self-doubt, gave up, and eventually became depressed and even committed suicide.
as the saying goes:
"parents who never teach their children to be independent are the most ignorant and cruel. They are like an eagle who does not teach an eagle to fly, but pushes it off a cliff in adulthood."
once upon a time, how comfortable a child's life was with his parents, how difficult his life was from now on.
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once read the story of a netizen in Baidu Tieba.
she said: "although I am 35 years old, I am only beginning to learn to grow up."
it turns out that at the age of 35, she has never been married. She ran away from home after a big fight with her parents because she couldn't stand her parents urging them to get married every day.
as a matter of fact, she has also been in many relationships, but each time she was broken up in less than two months.
because she always said, "my mother said." .
because she doesn't have an independent mind, she has to ask her mother about everything.
what's more, she can't deal with daily chores and can't even pay for gas.
but can you blame her?
since childhood, my mother has taken good care of her life and even squeezed toothpaste for her.
when she was in high school, her mother had to give her permission to cut her short hair, no matter what was big or small.
when I was in college, my mother resigned and rented a house near the school to take care of her.
after graduation, her mother asked her to be home by 10:00 every day.
before the age of 35, she had not even traveled far by herself.
"I am eager to be independent, but in fact, without my mother, my mind is still instilled in me by my mother."
while she struggled to escape from her mother, she was sentimentally attached to her mother's care.
"every time I encounter difficulties, I subconsciously call my mother and ask what to do. Sometimes I think it's good to have nothing to worry about."
he Jianzeng sighed:
"the later parents let go, the later their children will learn to fly."
if the child is pressed for too long, it is likely to be invalidated. "
reluctance to let go is the most poisonous "love" that parents give their children.
it little by little deprives the child of the ability to be independent, obliterates the child's idea of autonomy, and finally can only raise a child who cannot be weaned psychologically.
in fact, turning a child into a giant baby not only cheats the child, but also makes the parents suffer.
in March this year, a pair of 70-year-old parents in Britain were sued by their own son Siddiqui to pay him "life expenses".
and this is the second time that Siddiqui has sued his parents. As early as a year ago, he was gnawed nearly 10 years old because his father cut off his financial resources and went to court with his parents.
Siddiqui, born in 1980, is 41 years old and graduated from the prestigious university of Oxford.
after graduating from college, he worked as a lawyer. Later, due to frustration at work and psychological problems, he resigned at home.
in order to appease their son, the parents directly bought a high-end apartment of 1 million pounds for him to live in, not only to cover his various expenses, but also to give him an extra 4 million pounds of living expenses.
Seven years later, Siddiqui never went out to work again, and his parents had to persuade him to support himself.
but he is used to pleasure, but he is not willing to go out to bear hardships and sufferings.
my father lost his financial resources in a fit of anger, and the angry Siddiqui opened the way to sue his parents: "since you have given birth to me, you have to support me to death."
who would have thought that parents would train their children to attend prestigious schools and eat and drink well until they are 41 years old?All the efforts finally turned into a hole that the children could not climb out of, harming each other.
Professor Li Meijin said:
"the child's appetite is fed, the child's temper is brought out, and the child's shamelessness is indulged in every way."
behind the spoiling, it is actually a trap.
if you don't want to delay your child's life, don't be too kind to your child and don't do too much for him.
parents who refuse to let go will never be able to raise independent and excellent children.
some educators have said:
"Education is like flying kites. Children are kites and their parents are kite fliers. Only when parents are free can children fly high and far."
Education is an art. When it is tight, it becomes control; when it is loose, it becomes indulgence.
one more point and one less point will have completely different consequences.
the "occupation" of parents is lifelong. Letting go is a compulsory course for parents all their lives, and it is also a big test for parents.
if parents want to raise promising children, parents should learn "three to let go and one to hold on".
Let the child be independent
Professor Li Meijin specifically pointed out:
"what a child can do by himself, he must be allowed to do it by himself."
there is a mother in Sichuan who has taught her children to do housework since she was a child. her child is only 3 years old and can prepare lunch on her own.
from picking, buying and picking up vegetables in the vegetable market, to washing, cutting, stir-frying and frying, they are all done very well.
in addition to buying food and cooking, the boy will also plant potted plants: loosening the soil, planting, burying the soil, watering and pruning.