The four parent-child relationships that hurt children the most, and the second is the most terrible.
my best friend complained to me that my daughter has become more and more timid recently.
when the guests asked about the situation, she looked at her mother timidly and did not speak.
in the class, she was often teased by her classmates, but she dared not resist.
the teacher recommended her to take part in the recitation contest, but she dared not speak in public.
my best friend wondered:
I told her that nine times out of ten, the child's performance was due to problems with the parent-child relationship.
she recalled that the parent-child relationship has really gone from bad to worse in recent years:
she is an impatient person who pays attention to efficiency and pursues perfection.
daughter is a leisurely character, so the two often have friction and quarrels.
the result of the quarrel was, of course, that she was extremely critical and critical, relying on her paternal identity, and forcefully asked her daughter to admit her mistake.
over time, the daughter is no longer confident and generous, becomes sensitive and timid, avoids interpersonal communication, and is always alone.
when she recalls this, she is full of heartache and regret:
"I hurt the child."
there is nothing wrong with parental love, but it is not done in the right way. It is easy to do things that hurt children with the original intention of love.
when raising children, parents must be careful not to get caught up in these four bad parent-child relationships.
parents who love to control tend to raise children who don't have their own ideas
A post circulated on the Internet:
18-year-old freshman girl, good personality, studious, beautiful and lovely, very popular at first, but less and less popular.
her roommate described her:
it turns out that she grew up under the orders and demands of her parents, and she will be scolded and scolded for any deviation.
she doesn't know what she likes when she goes to college and chooses a major. Her parents do it all by themselves.
when she went to college and left her parents, she didn't know how to speak and do things.
her classmates happily experienced college life, but she was distracted and asked her roommate every day:
she described herself as empty, didn't know what she liked and didn't have any expectations for the future.
tracing back to the source, it is the disaster caused by the parenting mode controlled by parents.
psychologist Wu Zhihong said:
in the family, if parents require their children to be absolutely right and can only do the right thing, it means that children have to strictly abide by the rules of their parents.
as a result, the child's own spiritual life loses the space to stretch and exist, and even feels that it is meaningless to live. "
A five-year longitudinal study in Singapore shows that children who are overcontrolled from an early age develop strong self-criticism and have a higher risk of anxiety and depression.
parents love to control, children tend to be "hollow"-there is no "want to do" things, only know "should do" and "can do" things.
their imagination is limited, their vitality is suppressed, and their tenacity is weakened, but one day, children will have to face the world alone.
at that time, the will of parents could no longer work, leaving their children panicked, helpless and at a standstill.
arranged parents tend to raise selfish children
have seen a depressing animated short film "Giant Baby".
the boy's parents dote on him.
when he was a child, he only had to shout "Mom", and his father immediately gave him the money, and his mother immediately placed an order, and toys piled up.
when he grew up, he saw the advertisement for the new VR glasses and shouted "Mom" in a loud voice.
his parents are old and have few savings, but he is not considerate and loses his temper.
in desperation, the mother took out her kidney, and the son happily took it and changed the VR glasses.
having fun, he got hungry and started shouting "Mom" again.
but mom can't hear it anymore.
then, an eye-popping scene appeared:
he got into his dead mother's body and drained his mother's last drop of nutrients.
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We often say that habitual children are like killing children and indulging wastes.
in the end, it is the child who is nurtured and abandoned, the one who suffers the consequences is himself, and the originally harmonious parent-child relationship is destroyed.
thought of my best friend.
people around her commented on her: "you are good at everything, but you have gone too far as a mother."
my son likes shoes and clothes bags with famous sports brands, and she almost buys one for her on a new one.
the older her son is, the more expensive the corresponding things are, and her financial pressure is increasing.
in order not to let her son down, she began to buy high imitation.
unexpectedly, when her son wore it to school, he was seen through at a glance by his classmates, skipped class and ran to her work, asking her to buy the authentic thing.
her colleague could not bear to persuade the fight, and her son threw out angrily:
some people say that her son is ungrateful, others say that she should not make her face swollen and fat.
in the final analysis, this is the bitter fruit of doting.
the essence of doting is that parents do not treat their children as independent people, they regard their children as their own accessories, unconditional satisfaction and no bottom line connivance.
gradually, it gives the child the illusion that I am the center of the world and everything must revolve around me.
when the needs are not met, they will get out of control and get angry and hysterical.
doting is reverse, regressive, and counterproductive love.
how sweet the sugar parents give to their children is, how bitter it will be later.
Overbearing parents tend to raise cowardly children
someone once asked Sun Ruixue, a famous child educator, a question:
Sun Ruixue replied:
"becoming a complete person does not depend on whether the parents have money or not, whether they are highly educated or not, it depends on 'rules' and 'equality'.
our rule is that we should exclude the hierarchy, the fact that one person is always above us, so that our lives are in a state of equality. "
to the point.
in many families, parents are in a strong position, accustomed to being at the top and telling them what to do.
if the child does not obey, he will either beat or scold, making the child afraid and obedient in a rude way.
but "fear of parents" is not the embodiment of health authority, but an unequal, one-way relationship model of bullying the small by the big.
over time, it will make the child become timid and speechless.
recently, there is a hot search. Xiao Lin, a 26-year-old man, has been out of breath since he was a child. He often suffers from pneumonia and cannot be cured by seeking medical advice.
but Kobayashi knew where the focus was from the beginning.
when he was 6 years old, he swallowed a whistle by mistake, but never dared to tell his parents.
Kobayashi didn't reveal his heart until pneumonia hit again 20 years later and the doctor found a whistle in the bronchus.
it turned out that his parents were very strong, flew into a rage when they disagreed, and did not allow their children to challenge authority.
Kobayashi was criticized by his parents every other time, and gradually became timid and cowardly. When something went wrong, he could only bear it silently:
Kobayashi let the whistle exist in his body for 20 years, which almost led to a tragedy.
We often see such distressing and angry children in our lives.
adults always say:
"what a loser, I told you so!"
"I'm doing this for his own good!"
"if he had half my aura, it would be enough!"
but they overlook one point: they themselves are the authoritative parents behind cowardly children-- strong, domineering, narcissistic, and do not allow their children to say "no";
often use violent methods such as beating and scolding to force their children to submit.
Children raised like this, afraid of conflict and negative evaluation, are easy to form a flattering personality and try their best to play a good person in social interaction in exchange for the affirmation of the people around them.
what about inside? Exhausted and extremely low in happiness.
A truly healthy sense of authority does not depend on age, seniority or violence, but on the personality of parents.
the authority that children trust, respect and worship from the bottom of their heart is the authority that parents should have.
indifferent parents tend to raise children without love
American psychologist Dr. Webb gave an example, called "Catherine on the Beach".
Catherine was having a good time with her father on the beach when her mother said:
at this time, her father didn't say anything, but stood up and slapped the sand off his knee.
Catherine walked from the bunker to her mother in disappointment.
when Catherine remembered this scene many years later, she was still sad:
on the face of it, it was her mother who interrupted her interest in playing.
but the root cause is her emotional neglect by both parents.
Mom doesn't care if she's having a good time, and Dad doesn't respond.
Dr. Webb summed up:
think of the story of an aunt around me.
her daughter Xiaorou found a "soft rice man" and allowed her parents to persuade them painstakingly, but did not wake up.
you know, Xiaorou's external conditions are not bad: a well-off family, a graduate from a prestigious school, and a decent job.
boyfriend is unemployed at home, does not look for a job, or plays games all day, or invites friends to eat and drink.
Xiaorou can't see this. she pays her boyfriend's rent, pays her boyfriend's credit cards, and even pays her boyfriend to buy game equipment.
whenever people around her advise her to stop on the brink of a precipice, she retorts plausibly:
"he waits for me at home 24 hours a day. I can see him as soon as I get back. There is sense of security." The sentence
goes straight to the root.
her parents are busy at work and seldom accompany her growing up.
the key nodes such as the first day of school, the first parent-teacher meeting, and the first performance were all witnessed by her grandparents.
Xiaorou has a bright surface but a lack of heart.
with an extreme lack of love, she was naturally blinded by her boyfriend's apparent concern and thoughtfulness when she was in love.
she doesn't care about her boyfriend's ambition and character, only whether he is at home and whether he will leave.
negligent parents, like shadows, seem to exist, but there is no interaction, no companionship, no response.
Children raised usually have a huge hole in their heart: lack of inferiority, confusion and helplessness.
in order to fill the hole, they will lose their reason and grab out blindly.