The biggest disaster of a family: absent father, anxious mother, raising out-of-control children
recently I saw such a sentence:
Yes, the husband has become the invisible person in the family, and the mother will slowly pull the feelings and attention away from the husband and place them on the child, so that the child can only live in a gap to catch his breath and eventually become rebellious and out of control.
the essence of family represents "love", and the essence of education represents "rules".
in the family, emotional mothers are more likely to teach their children what is family, what is love, and what is security.
on the other hand, rational fathers are more likely to teach their children what are the rules and rules of society.
therefore, it is the father's greatest responsibility to lead the child from the family to the society.
but the reality is that many fathers are so busy with their careers and work that they have little time to care about their children's studies, or even shirk their responsibilities on the grounds that they are busy with work.
and mothers have to take on most of the responsibility for educating their children.
so the current situation in most families is:
fathers who are always absent, mothers who are prone to anxiety, and disobedient children.
this creates a vicious circle:
the father of inaction is becoming more and more marginalized, the anxious mother is getting stronger and stronger, and the child in the gap is getting more and more out of control.
in the absence of the father, it is difficult for the child to have a complete personality
Psychology holds that
if the father is absent for a long time during the child's growth, it is very easy to lead to the defects of children's character and emotion.
psychologists have found that children who do not receive enough care and company from their fathers are prone to anxiety, loneliness, low self-esteem, poor self-control, and even personality and behavioral problems such as aggressiveness, competitive and rebellious.
these are called lack of fatherly syndrome.
American marriage experts statistics show that children who suffer from "lack of fatherly syndrome" when they are young are twice as likely to drop out of high school and commit crimes as adults compared with those who fully enjoy fatherly love.
if they are girls, they are three times more likely to become single mothers when they grow up.
Zhu Chaoyang is a typical case in the Hidden Corner.
Zhu Yongping, the father of Zhu Chaoyang, had an affair with his mother, Zhou Chunhong, and soon remarried another woman, Wang Yao, giving birth to his daughter Zhu Jingjing.
in Zhu Chaoyang's eyes, his father missed all the important moments in his life: taking high school exams, birthdays, visiting grandparents.
apart from giving money, Zhu Yongping seldom cares about Zhu Chaoyang's life. Even if his son wins the first place in the whole school, he inadvertently hears it from his poker friends.
the father not only plays the role of a companion in the process of his child's growth, but also leads the way in building his child's sense of security and shaping his child's character.
but after his father reorganized his family, Zhu Chaoyang's world only left his father behind.
it is precisely because of this that Zhu Chaoyang's belief gradually collapsed, pushing his envious sister off a tall building and eventually going astray.
finally, the moment the father died to protect his son, he really realized how serious his neglect was.
Gerdy, a famous American psychologist, once said that fathers are a strange existence and have a special power in raising children.
the absence of the father will make the children lose some opportunities for life education, such as social order, norms of life, code of conduct, and so on.
the anxiety of the mother makes it difficult for the child to have the ability to be happy
of course, the most direct consequence of the father's absence is to gain an anxious and grumpy mother, which may be followed by the disintegration of the family.
in short, the absence of a husband will really drive a woman crazy, but it is always the child who pays for the mistakes made by the parents.
A mother in Meishan, Sichuan Province, slapped her 3-year-old daughter nine times in 45 seconds because she blamed her daughter for not eating well.
in this short period of 45 seconds, she kept slapping the child in the face, back, hand, and even knocked the child to the ground several times.
finally, he was interviewed by the local women's federation and even educated and admonished by many departments.
after many years, the little girl may forget it, but the fear and shadow brought by her mother may stay with her for the rest of her life.
in fact, this mother is not like this.
the source of her real breakdown is the absence of her husband over the years, which leads to emotional accumulation and collapse.
when a mother has almost no time for herself 24 hours a day, the focus of life is entirely around her children and family, and she has no choice but to carry it on her own when she encounters things. for a long time, there is no outlet for anxiety and resentment. Can only rely on beating and scolding children to be discouraged.
I remember one time Zhu Dan got mad on Weibo because the animated image of her mother made her angry.
when I saw what she said, I thought about it. It really was.
in the big ear map, the mother gets angry from time to time. In the big head son, the small head father, the grumpy mother is always the mother, and in the cherry balls, it is always the mother who gets angry because of dissatisfaction with grades.
Why are mothers always so anxious?
in the final analysis, it means that one person bears too much and no one shares.
the anxiety and needs of the mother, which should be borne by her husband, are projected onto the child, and the child is oppressed, struggling, tyrannical and disguised like a trapped animal in various emotions.
parents' complete love can provide adequate nutrients for their children
psychologist Zeng Qifeng said that there is no prescription for children to grow up, but only responsible parents provide stable and healthy soil.
in this soil, there is not only the company of my father, but also the calmness of my mother.
because only when the participation of parents is complete, can children find a clear position in the family, develop towards socialization in a sound way, and better become themselves.
then, if we want to change this family relationship mode of "parents are absent and mothers are anxious", we need the cooperation and acceptance of parents:
1. Don't ignore the intimate relationship between husband and wife
what you should be most intimate is your wife or your husband.
No matter how busy they are, they should be given some time and space alone, such as watching a movie, having a big meal, or even going on a trip.
tell the child that the person that the father loves most is the mother, and the person that the mother loves most is the father, and then the father and mother come to love you together.
this is not selfish, and don't worry that it will reduce parents' love for their children.
only when men return to their husbands will they have more love to give to their children.
and when a wife feels her husband's love, she will slowly let go of her anxiety and infect her children with more gentle and determined love.
2. Respect each other's parenting ideas and methods
mothers are more proficient in parenting because of their own roles, and some mothers can't help criticizing their husbands when their fathers don't do well.
the criticized father will have a deep sense of frustration, and over time his enthusiasm and enthusiasm for parenting will be discouraged and become self-defeating: "on the contrary, I would rather do nothing than be scolded."
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in fact, fathers also love their children, but they are expressed in different ways. We should allow the flow of love from fathers to their children.
differences in parenting styles can be discussed when both parties are not in the mood to let the other know what they think and feel.
3. Mothers need to properly release themselves from the family
Women need to develop a life outside the family, instead of revolving around the stove and children every day.
otherwise, it is easy to lose balance in family relationships over a long period of time.
contradictions, grievances, and quarrels will follow one after another. children have no happiness at all in such an environment, but are easy to be kidnapped by their mother's wishful thinking.
remember that women's sense of value not only comes from their husbands and children, but also should develop their own interests and hobbies and not give up their own growth.
only a mother who is not blindly overexert herself, can respect herself and relax herself, can make her child feel relaxed.
when you become better and better, the relationship between husband and wife becomes more and more harmonious, and the growth of children will become smoother and happier.
4. On the other hand, fathers need to pay attention to returning to the family
as a father, do not forget the responsibility of being a father and husband, and leave as much time outside of work to the family, partners and children as much as possible.
No matter how busy and tired you are at work, you should set aside fixed parent-child time to give your children high-quality companionship, accompany them to fly kites, play with toys, climb mountains, swim, take a walk and talk with them after dinner in the evening.
say goodbye to your child before going out, give your child a warm hug after going home, tell a good night story for 10 minutes before going to bed, etc.
as long as the father is fully committed, even if a few minutes of company, the child can feel the father's love and warmth, nourished from it.
be more considerate to your wife, don't forget the responsibility of being a husband, and don't make her feel isolated.
help her share some housework, discuss problems with her, and be willing to take the time to actively participate in family life.
because that will accomplish the growth of a child and the happiness of a family.
Family education is essentially a "collusion" of love between parents
A harmonious and stable family needs management and depends on the efforts and enthusiasm of both husband and wife.
A harmonious and stable family can make a child with good physical and mental health, optimistic personality and sound personality.
as parents, we should love our children correctly and create a warm and loving family atmosphere.
A father who is not absent gives the child the first sense of security in life and will accompany and protect the child for the rest of his life.
A mother who is not anxious conveys the tenderest feelings in the world with peace of mind, creating a warm corner in the heart of her child.
Dad loves Mom, Mom respects Dad, and parents work together to teach children what love is and how to love.