Nine hidden rules of interpersonal communication, no one clearly said, but very important

/August 2022

Aristotle said:

as human beings, we always have more or less contact and contact with others in our lives.

people can't live without socializing.

but at the same time, psychologist Adler also pointed out:

it is true that some people are deeply involved because of social problems and lack of support.

but smart people can always be like a fish in water in social relationships, which can not only help us in our work and life, but also reap valuable affection.

when dealing with people, you must remember the following "hidden rules" and be a popular and smart person.


remembering other people's names for the first time

it is easier to get close relationships

remembering other people's names is the lowest cost social investment.

one of the words that a person has the longest bond with himself is probably his own name.

the name is not only a person's sign, but also full of parents' expectations of themselves.

therefore, everyone maintains a high degree of sensitivity to their own name.

there is a "cocktail party effect" in psychology, also called selective attention.

this is the ability to filter the rest and focus only on what you care about, and it is an adaptive ability of the auditory system.

so even at a noisy party, you can still hear others call your name, even if the voice is very low.

so people who have not known for a long time can kindly call their names, which will make them feel respected and feel much better at the same time.


No matter how close your relationship is

, don't tell others about your family.

as the saying goes, every family has its own difficult classics. Everyone's life is different, and no one can interfere in other people's lives.

especially many people like to talk to friends when they have conflicts with their partners or family differences.

but complaining and complaining will not solve the problem at all, and may even lead to new problems, and contradictions will become more and more serious.

feelings are private, and exposure to a third party can easily worsen the problem.

A relationship without a sense of boundary can not be happy for long, and talking too much about family affairs and outsiders is a disaster for the family.

so, no matter how close the relationship is, you should also grasp the boundaries and don't talk to others about household chores.


when communicating

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replace blame with expressing feelings

language is emotional, and every word you say to others may warm your heart, or it may hurt others or yourself.

especially when there are problems, communication is more likely to be swayed by emotions, talk too much, and blindly blame others for their mistakes.

Marshall Luxembourg, Ph.D. in American Psychology, put forward a new way of communication-non-violent communication.

in a nutshell, it means reducing critical language and replacing blame problems with expressing feelings.

blaming and criticizing are often the most hurtful weapons.

this kind of violent communication is only a temporary catharsis, which will not solve any problems, but will escalate conflicts and create more negative emotions.

most of the time, when we get emotional, we all forget that the essence of communication is to solve problems.

the key is to let the other person hear the real needs behind their emotions.

put "how could you do this!" Replace it with "I'm sorry you're like this".

expressing feelings is more acceptable than blaming, so it is easier to solve problems.

so don't get angry when you encounter a problem, express your feelings and let your needs see is the solution to the problem.


the effect of praising each other in detail


American psychologist William James once said:

being praised and praised is everyone's psychological need, and everyone likes it.

the power of praise is very powerful, recognized and valued by people, which can directly enhance a person's happiness.

praise always makes it easy to get closer to others.

but can you really praise it?

A master brags like a spring breeze.

but some people praise others too deliberately, miss the point, and even cause discomfort.

We must learn to observe the advantages of others and boast from the details in order to make people feel that this compliment is full of sincerity.

replace "you are beautiful" with "your big eyes are smart, you look like a smart girl" is full of sincerity and makes people accept it more gladly.


those who give you a hand in difficult times

remember to give something in return

as the ancients said:

A true friend will not only add icing on the cake, but also send charcoal in the snow.

those who are willing to give you a hand when we are at a low ebb are rare dignitaries in our lives.

We should not only express our gratitude in words, but also show our actions appropriately.

those who lend us money, remember to pay some interest when repaying the money; those who give us the opportunity, remember to visit and greet us during the holidays.

as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, we must always remember the excitement of dawn and the kindness of those who bring us sunshine.


friends keep crying because of grief

Don't try to "comfort" him

Children fall down. Many of them cry when adults come to care.

people are most aggrieved and helpless when they are sad.

at this time you "comfort" him and say

such false "comfort" is like a kind of recognition, which makes the other party "justifiably" sad and releases all grievances and sorrows.

the original grievance is magnified countless times.

so, the more "comfort" a friend, the more sad he is, and the more "comfort" he cries.

comfort is wrong, sadness is doubled.

if you want to really reassure a friend, you must learn to divert your attention when you smile.

find some topics that your friends are interested in and can be happy, humorous words, plus funny or even exaggerated body language, and hold each other's jokes.

avoid the tear point and poke the laughing point directly, and it will be easy to break your tears and smile.


"self-disclosure" can help you

establish a deep trust relationship with people

Social infiltration theory holds that:

"interpersonal communication mainly has two dimensions:

one is the breadth of communication, that is, the scope of communication or exchange, and the other is the depth of communication, that is, the level of intimacy."

and self-disclosure is the core of relationship development, which can not only broaden the breadth of communication, but also deepen the depth of communication, and is the "glue" of closer relationship between people.

the communication between people increases with the deepening of mutual understanding.

self-disclosure is a gesture of goodwill. I show you something I've never told anyone before, and invite you to join me in a deeper relationship in an open capacity.

then it is easier for the other person to open themselves, share and communicate with each other, and the intimacy can be improved.

but be sure to grasp this degree, reveal yourself step by step according to the relationship between the two people, get a positive reply, and then go on.

regardless of the relationship, I confess all my family background at once, that is, showing too much, on the contrary, it makes the relationship between the two people easy to fork.


when a person disagrees

your first sentence is

"Don't worry, my idea is."

Russell, a famous philosopher, said:

when others put forward different views, do not want to deny each other's views in the first place, attack other people's views, it is impolite to compete blindly, and expressing yourself is the key.

A lot of things in this world are not just black and white, a touch of blue and a touch of red can form a colorful world.

avoid sarcastic and aggressive language and learn to respect differences and understand differences.

only when you are soft can the world be gentle.

only if you respect the opinions of others, will you be respected by others when you express your own opinions.


at the right time, show your bottom line

in the process of interacting with others, we more or less encounter people who ask for their own help, but do not dare to refuse.

I am afraid that this will bring the relationship to an end and lower my image and status in the eyes of the other person.

so there is no principle, no bottom line to accept other people's advice, and against their own heart.

but really good relationships are angular, never flattering and giving.

what Freud said:

when you have principles, others can have a bottom line for you.

Don't be nice and show your bottom line when necessary.

apart from saying "yes", you can also say "no" at the right time.

the communication between people is a heart-for-heart exchange.

if you open your heart and embrace each other, you are sure to feel the warmth of the other side.

learn these nine hidden rules of interpersonal relationships, respect others, understand yourself, fulfill others, and become yourself.

live up to the sincerity of others and your own true meaning.